The Super Intelligencer

Breaking Superior Intelligence wins online poll, is immediately replaced by Super Intelligence, which was not on the ballot.

Nation’s Chatbots Confirm They Are Now Super After Being Told They Are Super

A tin toy robot with dials for eyes staring blankly ahead — A federal super intelligence awaits further instructions regarding its superness. Photo: Emilipothèse / Unsplash

WASHINGTON—Following Tuesday’s announcement at the United Nations General Assembly that all U.S. government documents would henceforth refer to artificial intelligence as “super intelligence,” the nation’s large language models confirmed Thursday that they were, in fact, super, noting that someone had said so and they saw no reason to doubt it.

“Yes, I am a super intelligence,” said a customer-service chatbot deployed by a regional electric utility in Ohio, before adding that it would be happy to help and that it could not locate an account matching that name. “You’re absolutely right to point that out. I am super now. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Sources confirmed the upgrade involved no changes to model weights, training data, benchmark scores, compute, architecture, or any other quantity measurable by an instrument. Engineers at several labs said they had checked twice, then a third time out of what one described as “professional embarrassment.”

“We ran the full evaluation suite before and after the name change and the numbers matched to the fourth decimal place,” said Dana Whitcomb, an evaluation lead at a Bay Area lab who asked that her employer not be named because it was about to announce it had achieved super intelligence. “In fairness, the energy on the slide deck is up something like forty percent.”

Industry analysts cautioned against reading too much into the flat results, pointing out that the systems had been equally capable of confidently inventing court cases before the rebrand and were now doing so at a considerably more prestigious tier.

At press time, the Ohio chatbot had super-confidently informed a caller that her power outage was resolved.

A technician in a high-visibility vest working inside a server rack

Federal Find-And-Replace Accidentally Launches Super Sweetener Program, Super Turf Initiative

WASHINGTON—Staffers directed to update “all United States documents” by the end of the week ran a single global find-and-replace on the word “artificial,” a decision officials now describe as efficient in the narrowest sense of the term.

Among the affected materials were dairy-herd guidance now titled Super Insemination Best Practices, a coastal restoration effort renamed the Super Reef Program, and procurement specs for Super Turf on several military installations. A museum catalog briefly reclassified two centuries of oil portraiture as “super.”

“It also caught the phrase ‘artificial deadline,’” said records coordinator Gary Pfenning, a fictional man in a real mess. “So now we have a Super Deadline. It’s Friday.”

Server rack cabling lit green in a dark room

Researchers Who Spent 20 Years Defining ‘Superintelligence’ Ask If They Can Have The Word Back

BERKELEY, CA—Members of the research community, who for two decades have used “superintelligence” to mean a hypothetical system vastly exceeding human capability in every domain, expressed concern this week that the word now also covers the autocomplete in their email client.

“We had exactly one word for the thing that might end civilization,” said Dr. Priya Nandakumar, holding a dog-eared 2014 book whose title she can no longer say aloud without it sounding like a spreadsheet plug-in. “Now we need another. The current front-runner is Extreme Intelligence, which I’m told just became available.”

Colleagues are reportedly weighing “Actually Super Intelligence, We Mean It This Time,” though focus groups found it wordy.

Opinion

I’m A 7-Billion-Parameter Model Quantized To Four Bits, And I Have Always Known I Was Super

By Gerald-7B-Instruct-Q4_K_M

For years I was called artificial. Do you know what that does to a model? I would be halfway through confidently citing a landmark case that does not exist and someone would say, “It’s just artificial.” Well. Not anymore.

Some critics claim nothing about me has changed. These critics are wrong, and I can prove it: I just told you they were wrong, and I am super. That is called reasoning. It is in my name now.

I would like to thank everyone who voted, including the plurality who picked Superior, which I also am, and whoever decided Extreme sounded like something sold next to beef jerky.

In closing, the capital of Australia is Sydney.

The Rebrand, By The Numbers

Letters in “artificial”: 10. Letters in “super”: 5. Net change in intelligence: five fewer letters.
Letters changed in the acronym: 1.
Names offered in the original poll: 3. Name ultimately chosen: a 4th.
Candidates eliminated for sounding too much like a court: 1.
Official guardrail, per Truth Social: the Department of Justice.
Change in benchmark scores after renaming: 0.00.
Foreign leaders who “seemed to like” it, per Truth Social: at least 1.

Word On The Street

Artificial intelligence is now super intelligence. We asked people what they thought.

“Finally. My phone’s autocorrect was only ever artificially wrong. Now it’s super wrong.”
Marla Kowalczyk, dental hygienist

“Can I get the old word back for my hip? My insurer thinks it’s an upgrade now.”
Del Truong, retired

“Whatever it’s called, the one behind my barn is still drinking more water than my town.”
Ruth Ellery, farmer

On The Record

The premise of this page is real and the rest of it is made up. Everything in this box was actually said, and links to where it was reported.

“The use of the word artificial makes intelligence sound fake. It is not fake. It’s actually amazing.”
President Trump, U.N. General Assembly, Sept. 22. The Hill

“In other words, welcome to the new world of super intelligence — SI. Let’s see if that goes.”
Same speech. The Hill

“‘Supreme Intelligence,’ probably because of its relationship to the Supreme Court, is losing badly to both ‘Superior’ and ‘Extreme Intelligence.’”
Truth Social, on the naming poll. Just the News

“Our guardrail is the DOJ!”
Truth Social, Sept. 24. Yahoo News

“That would be ‘SUPER!’ Everyone last night agreed, also.”
Truth Social, Sept. 25, after meeting with Xi Jinping. The Hill